EDR Jokes - Dave Tjarks, Goldfield IA

*** Warning - Some jokes/humor may be inappropriate for younger internet users ***

One afternoon while doing some work in the garden I noticed my dog dragging something under the fence. Upon inspection, to my dismay, I realized it was the next door neighbors' daughter's rabbit. For years I had watch her come home from school and head straight out to its cage, free it and play with it in the garden. I knew today would be no different and fearing for our dog, I had to think fast.

The rabbit was quite dirty, as if it had put up quite a struggle, so I washed it off with the hose, combed it with the Dog brush and blew it dry with the leaf blower. Upon finishing its grooming I jumped the fence and replaced back in its cage hoping its death would be written off as "natural causes".

Within the hour the neighbor's car pulled in and out popped the little girl, and as usual she headed straight for the cage. Only this time she stopped about six feet away and screamed "DDDDDAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Her father, panic stricken, stood looking at the cage. Being the good neighbor that I am I rushed to fence and asked if there was anything I could do. Her father less than calmly blurted, "What kind of sick individual would dig up a little girl's dead rabbit and put it back in it's cage?"

A rabbit walked into a butcher's and said, "Got any cabbage?"

The butcher said, "No."

The next day the rabbit walked into the butcher's and said, "Got any cabbage?"

The butcher said, "No!"

The next day the rabbit walked into the butcher's and said, "Got any cabbage?"

The butcher said, "NO! And if you ask me that one more time I'll nail you to the wall by your ears!"

The next day the rabbit walked into the butcher's and said, "Got any nails?"

The butcher said, "No."

The rabbit said, "Got any cabbage?"

A woman walks into a vet's waiting room. She's dragging a wet rabbit on a leash.

"Sit, Fluffy," she says. Fluffy glares at her, and sopping wet, jumps up on another customer's lap, getting water all over him.

"I said SIT, now there's a good Fluffy," says the woman, slightly embarrassed. Fluffy, wet already, squats in the middle of the room and pees.

The woman, mortally embarrassed, shouts, "FLUFFY!! WILL YOU BE GOOD?!"

Fluffy then starts a fight with a Doberman and pursues it out of the office.

As the woman leaves to go after it, she turns to the rest of the flabbergasted customers and says: "Pardon me, I've just washed my hare, and I can't do a thing with it!"

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry.

A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 feet. The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, " What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said:

"'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave."

An infant rabbit was orphaned. Fortunately though, a family of squirrels took it in and raised it as if it were one of their own.

This adoption led to some peculiar behaviors on the part of the rabbit, including a tendency for it to eschew jumping but rather to embrace running around like its step-siblings.

As the rabbit passed through puberty, however, it soon faced an identity crisis (don't we all!). It went to its step-parents to discuss the problem. It allowed as to how it felt different from its step-siblings, was unsure of its place in the universe, and was generally forlorn.

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. "Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"

"Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked. "Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"

"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full.

"Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. "There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it." Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. "That was fantastic," he panted.

"So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked. "I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."

"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette."

Baby Rabbit: Mommy, where did I come from?
Mother Rabbit: I'll tell you when you're older.
Baby Rabbit: Oh, Mommy, please, tell me now.
Mother Rabbit: If you must know, you were pulled from a magician's hat.

Two Rabbits are running from a group of foxes. They hide in a pile of hay, one rabbit says to the other one "Ok we can run for it, or we can stay here until we out-number them."

And the other rabbit says, "We're going to run for it you idiot... I'm your brother."

A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves,
"What are you doing in there?" she asked.

The rabbit replied, "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?"
The lady confirmed, "Yes." "Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing."

One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.

The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes...Bear, you go first."

The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."

The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.

It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."

Rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine.

The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle.

For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."

The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said "I wish that the bear was gay..."

A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the point where the pathways meet. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.

When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.

The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was.

The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.

The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!"

The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake.

After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue.

I think you're a lawyer!"

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